Misc. Downloads

Cyclists Jokes

"I don't remember you ever beating Lance Armstrong" said the journalist. "When was that?"
"In the seventh stage of the Tour de France in 2002, I beat him over the head with my water bottle - but he still won the tour!"
"The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!"
Jack an Jill have just climed Le Alp de Huez on a tandem: "Phew that was a tough climb" said Jack "Thought I was going to bonk". "Yeah good job I kept the brakes on" said Jill "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"
What is the cheapest type of bicycle you can buy?
A penny-farthing!
"I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle."
"So what are you going to do - leave him at the dog's home? Give him away? Sell him?"
"No, nothing that drastic. I think I'll just confiscate his bike."
My granny started cycling at 97 years old. She has been doing ten miles per day - and now we don't know where the heck she is!
A tandem rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Did you hear about the cyclist who used viagra eye drops? They made him look hard!
Mary had a bicycle
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her ....
I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!". Then I collided with the pig!
"Where's your bicycle Vicar" I said, (because it was the first time I had seen him walking in 10 years!). "Don't know, I think it might have been stolen, but I will get it back on Sunday" he replied. "At my next sermon I will go through the ten commandments. When I get to 'thou shalt not steal' God will sort it out, I've got faith"
The following week, sure enough he was riding the bike again. So I asked him if the ten commandments thing had worked as planned: "I got as far as thou shall not commit adultery.......then I suddenly remembered where I left the bike.."
Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked "I've never come this way before", the reply "Must be the cobble stones"
A piece of motorway and piece of dual carriage way are enjoying a drink in the pub. In walks a piece of red tarmac. The bit of motorway whispers to the bit of carrageway "Come on lets drink up and go before the trouble starts; He's a bit of a cyclepath!"
I like cycling because: "it keeps me off the street"
Did You hear the one about the cyclist who didn't know he had diarrhoea until he removed his bike clips!
Three cyclist's went for a meal. When the waiter appeared with the bill, the first cyclist said "The meals on me lads, I’ll pay": The headlines the following day read "cycling ventriloquist found dead in a ditch"
(Very very old joke modified for enhanced political correctness following complaints from messieurs Lederman and McDuff)
An over zealous traffic cop stopped the vicar on his bicycle: After checking the bike thoroughly and finding nothing wrong he had to let the vicar go: "You will never arrest me because God is with me wherever I go" said the vicar. "Right then" (said the cop) "I’m nicking you for carrying a passenger on a single seater vehicle!"
A Cyclists Prayer: "Dear God. If there is such a thing as reincarnation then please may I return as a ladies bicycle seat"
A cyclist was stopped by customs. "What's in the bags?", asked the officer, pointing to his panniers. "Sand," said the cyclist. "let me take a look", said the cop. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, refilled the bags, and continued across the border.
A week later, the same thing happened, and continued every week for a year, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few months later, the cop saw the cyclist living it up downtown. "You sure had us foxed", said the cop. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what was it you were smuggling? ..... "Bicycles!"
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
Because it's too tyred!
A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."
Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap. The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".
The pedestrian (lemming) stepped off the kerb into the road without looking and gets knocked down by a passing cyclist:
"You were lucky" said the cyclist "What are you on about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian "Usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied
"Do you realise you have left your shorts at home?" I said as I rode along side a rather exposed looking cyclist... "Yeah it was the wifes idea" he replied "Last week I went out without my jersy and finished up with a stiff neck!"
What do you call a bicycle built by a chemist?
Bike-carbonate of soda!
Encyclopaedia is a fetish for very small bicycles
When she climbed off the crossbar I realized he was riding a ladies bike.
Why is Cinderella so uncompetitive at cycling? She has a pumpkin for a coach!
South Gloucestershire Council's Cyclist Policy Now this has to be the sickest joke out. Check it out for your self 8-(
Cones from the planet ring road Are they an alien race on a mission, to bring the planet Earth to a standstill?
Did Martians Land On The Bristol To Bath Cycle Path?
Learn to ride a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. (Mark Twain)

Sorry about the poor quality of the jokes.
If anyone out there knows any better cycling jokes than these then e-mail me at
I'll put the best ones up here.
I could use a good laugh!
More soon..........perhaps

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Nigel Jones (registered voter)