Nigel Jones - flying the British flag
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Nigel Jones - flying the British flag

Nigel Jones - Prime Minister

I Nigel Jones categorically deny the rumours that I might be the prime minister of Great Britain. Any rumours you might hear to the contrary are a farrago of twisted facts.

I have never lived at 10 Downing Street, instigated any kind of cabinet re-shuffle, perpetrated any kind of war mongering, or sexed up any kind of dodgy dossier or student thesis. I have never lied to the house or even been economical with the actuality. I don't know anyone called Lord Mutton and I was never such a schmuck as to believe any 45 minute claims.

But if I was elected as prime minister my manifesto would include such things as a bicycle exchange scheme for cyclists and tax deductible lap dances for computer programmers. My first act of parliament would be to award my self a massive pay rise (and all the MP's of course to ensure they vote for the rise). A hundred and seventy grand a year is already pretty good. Big money - far more than any PM I can remember deserves! But double that would be twice as good and DoshCalc would be loads of fun. Add in a few bribes from multinational corporate fascists and I could be earning nearly as much as David Beckhams foot! With a bit of luck Joe Public will have forgotten all about my greed after four years. So by doing it quickly I might even get a second term (and be set up for life!!!) before the electorate realise that my other election promises might prove difficult to keep.

Obviously I would re organise the BBC and install my own spin doctors at the first opportunity. Thus creating a happier Britain where there is no such thing as bad news. Why stop at the BBC? If I was PM my ministry of truth could also control the tabloids. They would still print absolute rubbish of course - but it would be MY politically correct, government approved rubbish that appears next to the tits and bums! Next on the list would be total control of the Internet. This would include monitoring your email and surfing habits. Although technologically challenging the cost of his policy to the tax payer could be a lot less than you imagine because most of the infrastructure exists already and the hardware is cheap and getting cheaper. A small price to pay for the opportunity to reeducate those with impure thoughts (like voting for someone else for example!).

Mostly I leave the politics to the politicians, although employment is currently a big issue

But I am "Nigel Jones registered voter" so peace on you!

Other government positions not occupied by Nigel Jones include: Employment Minister, Transport Minister and MP

Just because you're not paranoid don't think that "they" aren't out to get you!

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