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Nigel Jones - Transport Minister

I Nigel Jones categorically deny the rumours that I might be the next UK minister of transport. Any rumours you might hear to the contrary are completely exaggerated and false. I don't partake in the election cycle except in my capacity as Nigel Jones - registered voter

If I was minister of transport:-

  • 'Two jags' (two chins) would quickly become 'two bikes' ;-) He's a gravitationally challenged and horizontally exaggerated person (politically correct 'newspeak' meaning overweight) who's body mass index must be well in excess of 40 making him a prime candidate for some areobic exercise!
  • There wouldn't be any more imminent threat of invasion by evil alien traffic cones because I would foil their world domination plans with a pre-emptive strike just in case they decide to develop their own weapons of mass destruction and become a genuine threat to our national security at some time in the near future (i.e. within forty five minutes).
  • The cyclists curfew would be repealed.
  • I would exterminate the dreaded killer frogs just in case they develop WMD's and decide to take over the world instead of threatening a few cyclists
  • Cyclists would be allowed to lock bikes onto the railings outside the vehicle inspectorate and VOSA.
  • South Gloucestershire Council would put the cycle path back how they found it. (Same goes for Zetland Rd, the city centre, and the top of Two Mile Hill!)
  • Pipe smokers, hat wearers and mobile telephone users would be banned from driving cars.
  • Jeremy Clarkson wouldn't be allowed to ride about in anything more powerful than a Sinclair C5! And Ken Livingstone would be trotting along in front of the C5. Proudly waving his red flag high - to warn the general public about the approach of a slightly irritating journalist.

Mostly I leave the politics to the politicians, although employment is currently a big issue

Nigel Jones (registered voter) says on yer bike!

Other government positions not occupied by Nigel Jones include: Employment Minister, PM, and MP

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