Nigel Jones - Bespoke Applications to the gentry
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Nigel Jones - British programmers are best

Machinehead Software Personnel

No effort was spared at Machinehead Software in the quest to create the ultimate team of software professionals. We did consider recruiting from the stack of cut price foreign programmers that are still being imported on government sponsored fast track visa schemes (to fill a skills shortage that hasn't existed since around 2001!). But they aren't as cheap as it might first appear! Also we considered recruiting from the dynamic array of English programmers who are now looking for contracts as a result of this. After considerable thought it was decided that the most cost effective way to create the ultimate team of software professionals was to create a collection of 'Nigel Jones' objects then sub class them to polymorphically fill the various different vacancies for programmers, analysts, testers, managers, graphics designers, systems support staff etc. Thus the entire team was cloned right here in Bristol from one of the bosses toe nail clippings!

A Cloned programmer Another Cloned programmer A Cloned programmer Cloned programmers seeking employment

Meet The Team

A Cloned programmer This cloned programmer is unique - just like all the others! A Cloned programmer cloned programmer at end of line

Management | Programmers | Web Development | Systems Analysis | Testing Department | Help Desk | Graphics Design | Canteen

Worldwide systems management

The Management

Worldwide systems management

Nigel Jones Managing Director

The boss has his own page here. He is the original toenail clipping donor whose DNA spawned the entire team of NJ clones.

Nigel Jones Programming Manager

Responsibilities include: Liaison with the boss. Asking the programmers difficult technical questions like "how long is it going to take". Attending meetings. Creates pert charts. Sets targets for the programmers and developers. Reviews progress of the applications programs at all stages of the software life cycle.

Team Index

Computer programming and application development

Programming Department

Computer programming and application development

Programming Consultant

Jones the VB consultant provides Visual Basic programming consultancy services to the entire Machinehead Team. When not working for Machinehead Software he writes programs for anyone with enough money to pay for his services. Some previous customers for Nigels bespoke programs include the electricity company, the police, and a junk mail sweat shop. Where he used a range of other technologies not demonstrated on this web site including Smartware, Oracle and SQL Server running on various Windows platforms.

Senior VB Programmer / Applications Developer

This Nigel Jones clone writes all the more tricky Visual Basic and Javascript code. Acts as mentor to Jones the junior VB programmer, assists Jones the Javascript programmer and works in close collaboration with Jones the Analyst and the testers. Its his job to interpret the specifications, designs and other documentation from the systems analyst, write the code, and explain it to the testers. Jones the programmer was involved in all stages of the software development life cycle for all of the bicycle software and all the other miscellaneous downloads on this site, including the Music Player, the web developers tools and the Windows version of the Bicycle Chain Length Calculator.

Junior VB Programmer / Applications Developer

This Nigel Jones clone writes all the easy Visual Basic code. Asks Jones the senior programmer for help when difficulties are encountered with the code. The junior programmer's responsibilities include maintenence of DoshCalc, LevelCalc, ChillCalc and the visual basic version of Lotto. Also he acts as a 'stand in' when the senior programmer is providing consultancy services for other companies, so he has some inputs on all the other programs, throughout the software life cycle. Nigels most recent contribution to the suite of software for cyclists was the GearCalc's shiny new Fixed Wheel Gear Calculator. His most recent Miscellaneous Downloads were Fractions and Su Doko

Team Index

Computer programming and web site design

Web Design Department

Computer programming and web design

Web Page Design Consultant

Jones the web page design consultant provides consultancy services to the entire machinehead software development team. Specialises mainly in HTML, Javascript, and search engine optimization issues. Jones the consultant was the driving force behind the development of the machinehead web tools and the s-p-a-m reduction script. His most recent contribution to the Machinehead site was the 'traffic cone invasion' animation.

Nigel Jones Javascript Programmer

Nigels responsibilities include authoring the nice javascripts that are dotted around the site. Including: The Abacus, the body mass index calculator, the heart rate calculator (in collaboration with the ABCC), the crank length calculator, the lottery number generator, the spam reduction script, and of course the complaints department, weapons emporium, OXO (with bikes and cones!), and Nigels Puzzle.

Nigel Jones Web Page Designer

Hand codes HTML and Javascript using notepad and some in house development tools written by Jones the programmer. Created the speed, distance, time calculators, the Body Fat Percentage Calculator, the Bicycle Chain Length Calculator and the Traffic Cone Torture pages.

Team Index

Systems Analysis and design

Systems Analysis And Design

Systems Analysis and design

Nigel Jones Systems Analyst

Jones the systems analyst details the user requirements and constraints then draws boxes with adjoining lines. Responsible for overall system architecture, and maintaining a clear perception of the big picture. Any design problems are not the bosses fault. Responsibility rests with the systems analysis clone. Similarly Jones the analyst produces all of the supporting documentation for the programs. Jones the analyst reviews the programs designs at all stages of the software life cycle.

Team Index

Software Testing

Test Deptartment

Software Testing

Nigel Jones Software Tester

Responsible for thorough testing of all programs. So if any bugs slip through the net blame the testing clone not me. Other responsibilities include, test riding the bike and helping out the graphics design and customer support teams on an ad hoc basis. Jones the tester is involved in testing the programs at all stages of the software life cycle.

Test Consultants - The Extended Software Testing Team

As demonstration versions of most of the Machinehead programs are availiable as free downloads from this web site. You can be sure they are prety thoroughly tested. This is a testing methodology that I refer to as trial by fire. The internet is the biggest team of testers in existance! We have thousands of software testing consultants!

Team Index

Graphic design and artwork

Graphics Design and Artwork Department

Graphic design and artwork

Nigel Jones Artist / Graphic Designer

Designed the icons for the spoke length calculator, bicycle gear calculator, bike power calculator, CrankCalc. Designed the Machinehead Software logo and many of the graphics displayed on various other parts of the web site, including Cone The Destroyer and those cute little traffic cone daleks. Drew the voice bubbles onto some of Jones the photographer's pictures.

Nigel Jones Photographer

Nearly all of the photographs on this site were taken by Jones the photographer. Some were taken with an Olympus OM1 then scanned, later pictures were taken using an Agfa 1800. Prior to working at Machinehead Software this clone did a lot of technical photography for CEGB and Nuclear Electric using a variety of 35mm SLR cameras, and completely manual cameras attached to various microscopes. Having said that some of this clones photography is shite, but some is quite arty. Others are arresting examples of Nigels professional photography

Nigel Jones Musician And Sound Engineer

For his 4th birthday Nigel was given his first plastic guitar and a Bert Weedon book. At 4 years and a week he still had the book and the guitar - but no strings! Does this make Nigel the worlds youngest air guitar player? Nigel took up guitar again after leaving school. Starting with air guitar (so his fingers wouldn't sting), then graduating to a real guitar. With some persistence Nigel eventually achieved mediocreity and played the silly riff's that are distributed around this site. One day this clone will be just like Jimi Hendrix, Frank Zappa and all those other top guitarists. Possibly not as rich but every bit as dead. This clone was instrumental in the development of the Machinehead Music Player.
See also: Name That Tune, Jones on the radio

Team Index

Software support and help desk

Customer Support Department

Software support and help desk

Help Desk

Deals with all the sales enquiries, bug reports and requests for new features in the software. This Nigel Jones clone answers the phone call and emails and is responsible for the smooth running of the Complaints dept.
Team Index

Programmers Nutritional Tools

Machinehead Software Canteen

Programmers Nutritional Tools

Jones The Chef

Prepares food for the entire team of Nigel Jones clones. His pasta is bellissimo and his spaghetti bolognese is gaining a gourmet reputation world wide. Jones the chef also makes all the tea and coffee and prepares all the isotonic and hypotonic energy drinks for the entire team. Jones the chef has been known to make a 20 mile round trip just to obtain wild strawberries in support of his gourmet cause (only problem is the strawberries didn't make it back to Bristol!). His blackberry and apple crumble is becoming world famous, and he has a black belt in custard making. None of the Nigel clones have ever eaten frogs legs or snails.

Jones The Washer Upper

Washes the dishes after the team has eaten.

Team Index

A Nigel Jones Clone A different Nigel Jones Clone An adjacent Nigel Jones Clone Nigel Jones Clones all in a row

Other Advantages Of Radical Cloning Technology

A Nigel Jones Clone Another Nigel Jones Clone Yet Another Nigel Jones Clone Is there no end to these Nigel Jones Clones

There are numerious advantages of adopting radical cloning technology instead of the usual recruitment process:

These aren't just ordinary clones they have all been genetically modified and enhanced. Documentation becomes largely unnecessary because any information acquired by the programmer or analyst is instantly and telepathically available to all the other Nigels who are connected to the Nigel Jones Programmer Network (NJPN).

Managerial and technical decisions are always unanimous!

At Google the programming team get regular hockey breaks (cool company!). Here at Machinehead Software whenever the entire team unanimously decide that its too nice to sit in front of a computer we have cycling breaks. Amazingly we can all ride the same bike simultaneously!

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